I was born into a faithless, broken home. My parents divorced when I was three. I spent the next nine years mostly with my dad, who mocked God, thinking belief in Him was a joke. Every other 
weekend I would visit my mother, who was open and loose with spiritualism. She entertained all sorts of things, including Wicca, Buddhism, and belief in fairies. In both homes there were various addictions, pain, and struggle. I was exposed to many damaging things from a very young age. However, even during this time I had an inkling that God existed and that maybe He took notice of me. I would pray, “Now I lay me down to sleep…” to myself most nights.
Sixth grade was when I first identified my depression. Being at school was difficult for me even though I was a good student. The feeling of being alone in a crowded room was crushing. I felt hopeless about life, not understanding what it was about. I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol at 13, ran away from home at 14, and from 16 to 21 I was homeless, suicidal, and heavily addicted to drugs, including heroin.
At 21, I ended up at Union Gospel Mission in downtown Portland. There they offered me food and hope. I heard the Gospel for the first time, accepted Christ, was baptized and spent the next four years in recovery building my faith in God.
At 25, I met my husband, Seth, and we were married. We attended a non-denominational church for years but never really felt part of the community. When I got pregnant Seth, started searching for the right faith community in which to raise our family. That led us through many different denominations over a couple of years. Finally Seth went to explore Orthodoxy on his own during COVID. He was immediately excited and smitten. He expected me to be uncomfortable with it, but it was rather easy for me to get past any questions I had.
What stood out to me first was Fr. Matthew’s tender care for me and my family. He took the time to get to know us and answer any questions we had. It was completely different from our experience in other churches where it was impossible to develop any sort of relationship with the pastor.
Next, I noticed the beautiful community. Even when I am discouraged, feeling uncomfortable and ignorant, I am reminded by many people around me that I belong. Having young kids in church has been a learning curve, where I confess I have worried about judgement on how well-behaved my children are during services. It is so beautiful to see all the big families wiggling, hugging, asking questions, worshiping, and taking communion together.
My husband and I, along with our six- and four-year-old, were baptized in January 2022. While it has been a difficult year, I have experienced much grace and the presence of God through the church. One example was, after a disheartening confession, Fr. Matthew prayed over me with the relic of the True Cross. How humbling! And encouraging!
In September 2022 we received the sacrament of an Orthodox marriage. Then in February our newborn son was baptized. What a blessed journey it has been receiving all the glorious sacraments!
Now it is bittersweet as we plan to move to Iowa just after Pascha. It is hard to leave this community that we have grown into, but we know you will always be our family and we will continue to worship with you through participation in the Divine Liturgy, fasting, feasting, and prayer. May St. John be blessed as you also plan a move with a new chapter as well!
